I’m not having fun. I feel like I’m putting on a vaguely happy face on for people, just so they don’t stress me out more than I already am. I’m stuck inside my head in a world of my own hurt and bad feelings. But I must wait until Jake can see clearly… well; no doubt I’ll mean absolutely nothing to him by then. I want him to want me, but he can’t stand it when I’m unhappy, or when I want to show my feelings.

 Sometimes I feel that he’s so close to saying something… nice to me. I don’t know, even telling me there’s still a place in his heart for me even at a time like this. But each time I’m disappointed. And each time I hurt. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that time of year when people just can’t stand me. I guess I’m just the scum on peoples boots. They only want me gone.

Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's this...?
What's this...?

 It was Mike’s birthday today – I wish I’d made the effort to be some good. I hadn’t even made a card for him yet. Am I alienating my friends in my madness? I hope not, but all I want in the whole world right now is Jake. And until he’s sorted himself out, I don’t think I can be happy.

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's this...?
What's this...?

 I made a new character up today, with my English teacher coming up with the name. It’s like a futuristic cowgirl called Zim Tundert. Fantastic! Well, I was just drawing her all through the lesson. English doesn’t quite excite me. I’ll have to upload a picture sometime.

You complete my faith
The word unwinds unside of me
You complete my faith
The halo glows away
You refill my place
You refill my place

 Bleh. Jake was going to come round today, come tomorrow, go to Mikes party with me, stay at mine on Saturday. I had so much planned for us, and now none of it is going to happen. And what will I do be doing now? Spending the entire time thinking of him. How can nothing make up for something that was going to be so fantastic?

Come and save me
Come and save me

 Even the most… normal and boring things become enjoyable when you’re with someone you like so much. Even just sitting next to someone watching the tv, or listening to music with someone. Am I destined to think of this fun and then not have it? I just hope that one day I’ll be able to do those things with Jake. That would make me happy. Even the small things.

 Mike said this is all very bleak writing, and he’s damned right. Let’s just hope I have something nice to write about soon. xxx

 Long time, no Blog. I’m sorry random peoples; I’ve had a struggle on my hands recently.

 Why can I never ever be enough for people? I mean, is a bit of a laugh all I’m good for in peoples lives? It’s like I finally feel wanted by someone and like I’m actually special in someone’s life, and then it ends. And what am I left with? A broken heart and a complete emptiness in my life.

 People don’t understand it. That’s because I hid the truth from them. They just think I liked him quite a bit, and I was upset because I wasn’t being treated properly. But that wasn’t the truth at all.
 I fell in love him. Exactly what Emma and Maria had so been against me doing. But I can’t help who I fall in love with. This time it really was special; I love everything about Jake, even the silly little things like his hate for fences. Once again I’ve found love and it’s just… gone.

 Jake finished with me before we’d even started. I threw the phone at the wall, and it smashed into lots of tiny pieces and fell on the floor. In my anger and sadness I ran to Toms house, my ex-boyfriend, someone I thought I… hated to ask the question that I can never find the answer to. Why am I never enough?
 He couldn’t give me an answer. But did I really expect him to? I think what I wanted was to be told I was worthless, and that I was not liked by anyone. That’s the truth I wanted, but I didn’t get it.

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 I was thrown away, again. But, not completely. And I feel like I’m being tormented with everything I cannot have. I said I’d be a friend to him, but I wanted that to have been the truth before this. I want to be his boyfriend so that I’m everything a friend is and more. I know Jake has troubles now, but I don’t understand his complete dismissal of me. I thought I was a good thing in his life, but obviously I was deluding myself of my importance again.
 I want him to love me… I want to be a good thing to him. But I’m just an annoyance. It’s obvious to me he doesn’t want me, that I’m a waste of his time.

 Jake read this blog once, and I doubt he’d read it again. I don’t know. I wanted to say how I feel, but at the same time, this’ll mean nothing. Jake will never see that I’m good, or that hell, I can help. I’m nothing to him at all. And yet I was so much. Am I completely meaningless to people?
 Russell joked about it to me, and I laughed. But I was hurt. Because his joke was the truth. I’m just too much for people. People can’t cope with me.

 Something I read from my book today gave me a bit of strength. “In that instant he knew. He would never give up”

 You know what? I'm just not depressed enough today to write about Tom, my ex boyfriend, and how much he hurt me. So, Let me just say some random stuff. What to start with... oh yes!

 I was talking to Jesus this morning, and he said 'Timothy. Come on now! Start another painting on your wall!' (The first of which is a piece of A-level work that is STILL not finished after about two months...) So... i did! I dunno... it seems like when i get started, i enjoy painting. It's just getting started that's the problem! Anyway, i thought 'let's do something crazy!', so i'm doing my trademark Gundam Wing Zero fighting Evangelion Unit 02. How exciting! I should think it'll be done quite soon. Then i can tidy my room! ...as if i don't clean enough all ready.

 You may not have noticed, but i like having as few clothes on as possible (See my Myspace pictures - 15+ section!). So, i thought, what would my friends love to see. Ah ha! My backside! 'Tis a thing of beauty. Only those closet to my heart can touch it's amazingness. I call it 'Bob'. Say hello Bob. *Herro*

 Jake. At the moment, i don't even know his second name! I do however know he'll read this, but i'll still go on and on about him, just because i do not fear his 'TIM. I HATE YOU.'s! Not yet at least. Basically, i met him on Myspace, this slightly bumbling guy with a random woman next to him. I didn't exactly warm to his first message, as i was in a 'GARGLE NO THANKS MISTER' mode. Eventually though, i took the time to speak to him properly. And since yesterday (Yes, only yesterday) all i can think about is him, and just how happy i get talking to him when i'm surrounded by yucky things in my life at the moment. Good grief, even my deep dark secret didn't make me feel as bad as usual. It gave me the usual nightmare, but that's it. He's one of those people who just seem to be... good. Which is somewhat a contrast to me in general, as i'm sure some of you would agree. After only 5 minutes of talking to him, i felt i'd known him for 5 years. He really is fantastic. But yeah, i'll give you guys an update on that another time.
 I tell you what though, he really could do with some more flattering photos. He's not a bad looker! He should show his looks off more!

 I think that'll be it for now. Phoenix is calling me back to bed. No 'objections' here! Haha.

 “TAKE THAT!” he shouts, like a beast in the forest attacking it’s prey. “OBJECTION!” – the force in which he exclaims these words is a balm on my wounded heart. But, all too soon, I realise. This isn’t the man of my dreams… it’s only ‘Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney’. ‘Wooh there, Pickle’ I think to myself. I’ve been single for what… a week and a half? And already I’m far gone enough to be lusting after a (very manly) video game character.

 Have I sunk to an all-new low? Yes, most definitely. Oh my STUPID ex. I hope he’s realised how emotionally/mentally hurt I am now. I couldn’t even face work on Saturday – mind you, who actually can face toilet cleaning?

 I need a boyfriend. Or, at the very least, someone who will flirt with me for long periods of time on msn. I wish there was just a long list of single gay people…

 All this stress has been getting to me. I woke up this morning and I AM NOW ABSOLUTELY FUGLY. I was ok-looking at one point and now i'm hideous. I need... hugs... i need... HUMAN CONTACT! Mind you though, without humans about, i can jump around naked! Yay! Come on guys! Join in! 

Dull proportions indeed, as this is really, just a silly little hello from me to show i actually exist, and to start off my wonderful blog. Regardless...

 HELLO PEOPLE OF THE WORLD (or, at least at this time, myself)
My name is Tim and this is my first attempt at the wonder of the modern age, the beefburger  blog. I guess this will just be a place where i'll dump my feelings and things. But, you are warned me hearties. I am GAY, which means 'differently sexual' to straight people. Thus, i cannot truthfully say there won't be gay-related material!

 FOR EXAMPLE!

"Gay." - If that comment offends you, i would suggest leaving.

Anyway, on with the show, and life! Good day